Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt #15)

 By Daniel Canada c.2010

The fact of the matter is shopping bags can transport a boat load of essential things. Without failing to enumerating such items, like clothing, food, and the so forth, let’s suffice it to say having a shopping bag around helps alleviate the burden of bearing your belongings with your bare hands.

Can I get an Amen?

Don't everybody respond at the same time.

I used it on several occasions myself, and was not ashamed to be caught sporting my oversized, handy, Duane Reade shopping bag by any passersby who observed me from over to tops of their noses. However, I always made sure that I toted a snapping, brand new one, whenever I had the opportunity, to give the impression I was just another jolly recipient of Duane Read, and a valued customer.

How could anyone tell that I was just a homeless shmuck, carrying all that I owned, save my skin, in as fashionable a manner as I could? It seems that all the homeless souls must've caught on to my ruse, and without haste began to follow in my footsteps. After a while I saw every homeless person and their mother swinging a Duane Reade shopping bag around.

The nerve of them.

Unfortunately, a good number of the homeless forget to exchange their well-worn-out Duane Read shopping bags for new ones, and after much use, went about sporting the most unsightly gear imaginable.

Now, the jig is blown.

On second thought, you might want to switch over to a more trendy D'Agostino shopping bag, just to throw them off. After my form of chicanery went viral among the Skeks, I had no other choice. The benefit of this is that no one will catch on to the fact you're really a down-and-out homeless person, and you can still maintain a modicum of dignity for a while.

So next time you go to Duane Reade, or any super market
in a upper-middle-class neighborhood, to buy a Snickers bar, ask for a shopping bag. It takes a shit load of gumption, but what the hell. You’re going to need it anyway, on the long trip…home.
(To be Continued...)


No comments: