Hobo Handbook: Memoirs of a Homeless Poet in New York (Excerpt #6)

THE HOBO HANDBOOK: MEMOIRS OF A HOMELESS POET IN NEW YORK
By Daniel Canada c.2010

I shouldn’t have to stress the importance of keeping your backside clean. A clean change of pants helps in fighting off odor as well. Applying a little talcum powder to the inside of my pants or underwear worked wonders for me, so much that I was able to mingle in with the rush-hour crowd, and no one was able to know my predicament.

Hey! Take care of yourself. It’s the only self you’re going to have for awhile.

Enough should be said in that regard.

 

KNOWLEDGE OF SOUP KITCHENS

 

Are you hungry? Well, you bet to start learning where all the soup kitchens are. Otherwise, you're going to starve to death, and that would be a crying shame. You would be loath to know that while you are starving to death, there are soup kitchen a plenty, serving hot, delicious food to the needy.

There are some homeless people that make it by sitting on a stoop and begging for coin, but pan handling’s illegal in most states. Forget about the fact that it’s supposed to be protected under the First Amendment. If the cops want to bust your balls, for panhandling, they can do so and they will with impunity. 

Besides, begging is "Skeksy."

For those of us who don’t want to be affiliated with "Skeksies," but want to be able to satisfy our hunger when the time comes, there’s a whole network of soup kitchens operating throughout the cities and towns you live in. It behooves you to familiarize yourselves with their locations, and times. The thing about it, is once you’ve connected to one soup kitchen you are tied in to a whole plethora of information leading you on the path to another, hither-to-unknown, soup kitchen, and another.

The process repeats itself, spreading out like a web, until you become satiated with the addresses and times of a variety of soup kitchens. You will reach the point where you no longer need to seek out one any longer, but can have a meal just about any time of the day, or any given day of the week.

You can actually get fat just following the trail of soup kitchens, serving a scrumptious display of vittles within the very city of town you live in. Amazing, isn't it? To help you along your culinary journey, some of the churches that serve as food kitchens also provide handy brochures, such as “The Street Sheet,” which has a listing of other varied soup kitchens you can avail yourself of.

I hate to toot my horn, but I know you would've never known any of this, unless I had revealed it.

So, I'm going to enjoy a moment, on the corner, tooting my horn.

There.

Ok. I'm through.